First Annual Twilight Widower Symposium
June 5-6, 2010
Valencia, CAAre You a Twilight Widower?
Is your wife or girlfriend constantly comparing you to people named Edward and/or Jacob?
Is she constantly online, chatting with other "Twitards"?
Does she have a Twilight-related blog?
If the any of the above apply to you, our seminars can help!
Come, join similarly afflicted men (women also welcome) at the world's only
Twilight Widower Symposium!Schedule of EventsJune 5, 20108am
Welcome and breakfast buffetEnjoy cold cereal and pop tarts while meeting others in your situation. Share stories and mingle.
9am
Understanding TwilightWhile we're sure your romantic partner has spoken endlessly on Twilight topics, this interactive forum will help you understand why she's so fascinated and what it all means. Also addressed: why do these vampires sparkle? Why does she roll her eyes when you make jokes about staking them through the heart? Who is Renesmee, and why does she piss off your wife or girlfriend so much? Learn all the answers and ask your own questions.
11am
Film AppreciationWe won't subject you to watching both films again, but this seminar will discuss parts of the movies you may enjoy. Action, adventure, and wolves are on the agenda here. We may even throw in a Rifftrax or spoof - all to help you withstand the next time you're forced to watch a saga movie. Remember, the third one will be released weeks after the symposium - don't you want to be prepared?
12:30pm
LunchPizza or lasagna and spinach salad
Lemonade and Coke products available
1:30pm
Fan Fic Addict Partners Anonymous
Has your romantic partner graduated from repeated readings of the Twilight saga to constantly toting around her laptop or mobile device so she won't miss the latest update of her fan fiction stories? This is the place for you. Learn why she adds "-ward" to the ends of words and what it means. Share your tales of woe with others in your predicament.
also available at this timeLion LessonsDo you wish your wife or girlfriend would stop sighing whenever you "don't behave like Edward"? Find out what easy things you can do to make that stop.* Examples will be taken directly from the books after consultation with the Twitarded Council to help you make the right choices (examples: opening her car door = good choice, stalking her when she visits friends = bad choice).
3pm
Know Your Twitards
Is she openly Twitarded? Closeted? Partially out? Learn how to tell what kind of Twitard you're with. She could be Team Edward or Team Jacob, or obsessed with Robert Pattinson or Jackson Rathbone (or even Taylor Lautner). At this presentation, you'll learn how to spot the signs and know exactly what you're dealing with.
5pm
Dinner and End of Day
We will be serving your choice of:
Mushroom ravioli
Marinated steaks and potatoes
or
Harry's Fish Fry
There will be an open bar
(let's not kid ourselves, you'll need it)Special performance of "Twilight, What Have You Done to My Wife?" by Shallow Day
at 6pm**--------------------------------------------------
June 6, 2010
8am
Breakfast
Continental breakfast including Isle Esme eggs and Emily's muffins.
9am
Speaking Twitarded
Has your significant other's vocabulary expanded exponentially since she discovered others like her online? Learn what a "twatwaffle" is, and why she has begun using "OME" instead of "OMG." Speak her language and you might find she's been trying to tell you important things.
10:30am
Things You Can Do (While She's Twilighting)
Remember how she used to hassle you about watching SportsCenter? If she's online talking to other Twi-addicts, she probably won't notice if you turn it on. Find out what other things you were long ago nagged out of doing that you might be able to get away with now that she's got an all-consuming teen romance fixation. (Note: not all of your bachelor habits will be salvageable - we'll help you determine which ones you can resurrect.)*
12pm
Lunch
Spaghetti or Fried Chicken
1pm
Thoughtful Things to Point Out in Public
Learn what you can point out while out and about that will make your Twitard squeal with joy. We will provide you with a wallet-sized laminated card for you to carry with suggestions like "Anything with the name CULLEN on it," "wolves," and "lion or lamb references." Earn brownie points with your romantic partner by supporting her obsession in public (subtly).*
2pm
How Fan Fiction Can Benefit You
Do you have any idea what she's reading when she has herself holed up in the bathroom with her laptop? These stories would make you blush. We will offer detailed descriptions, as well as excerpts from the most popular stories, and we encourage you to try and surprise your Twitard by acting these out with her when you get home.
4pm
Closing Ceremonies
A chance for you to say farewell and "Be Safe" to all your new friends and fellow Twi-widowers. Snacks provided.
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Symposium Information
Registration Fee: $107
(after expenses, registration fees will be provided as subsidized funding for financially deterred would-be FFFOOORRRKKKSSS pilgrimage travelers in late September/early October)
Location: Hyatt Valencia**
Registration must be received by May 13, 2010. Space is limited, so sign up now!
* results not guaranteed ** not really-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you think? Want to register your s.o.? Care to teach/lead one of the seminars or discussions? Have ideas for other seminars?
This is a new kind of post for me, so tell me what you think in the comments... ;) Happy weekending!
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