If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them
First Annual Twilight Widower Symposium
June 5-6, 2010
Valencia, CA
Are You a Twilight Widower?
Is your wife or girlfriend constantly comparing you to people named Edward and/or Jacob?
Is she constantly online, chatting with other "Twitards"?
Does she have a Twilight-related blog?
If the any of the above apply to you, our seminars can help!
Come, join similarly afflicted men (women also welcome) at the world's only
Twilight Widower Symposium!
Schedule of Events
June 5, 2010
8am
Welcome and breakfast buffet
Enjoy cold cereal and pop tarts while meeting others in your situation. Share stories and mingle.
9am
Understanding Twilight
While we're sure your romantic partner has spoken endlessly on Twilight topics, this interactive forum will help you understand why she's so fascinated and what it all means. Also addressed: why do these vampires sparkle? Why does she roll her eyes when you make jokes about staking them through the heart? Who is Renesmee, and why does she piss off your wife or girlfriend so much? Learn all the answers and ask your own questions.
11am
Film Appreciation
We won't subject you to watching both films again, but this seminar will discuss parts of the movies you may enjoy. Action, adventure, and wolves are on the agenda here. We may even throw in a Rifftrax or spoof - all to help you withstand the next time you're forced to watch a saga movie. Remember, the third one will be released weeks after the symposium - don't you want to be prepared?
12:30pm
Lunch
Pizza or lasagna and spinach salad
Lemonade and Coke products available
1:30pm
Fan Fic Addict Partners Anonymous
Has your romantic partner graduated from repeated readings of the Twilight saga to constantly toting around her laptop or mobile device so she won't miss the latest update of her fan fiction stories? This is the place for you. Learn why she adds "-ward" to the ends of words and what it means. Share your tales of woe with others in your predicament.
also available at this time
Lion Lessons
Do you wish your wife or girlfriend would stop sighing whenever you "don't behave like Edward"? Find out what easy things you can do to make that stop.* Examples will be taken directly from the books after consultation with the Twitarded Council to help you make the right choices (examples: opening her car door = good choice, stalking her when she visits friends = bad choice).
3pm
Know Your Twitards
Is she openly Twitarded? Closeted? Partially out? Learn how to tell what kind of Twitard you're with. She could be Team Edward or Team Jacob, or obsessed with Robert Pattinson or Jackson Rathbone (or even Taylor Lautner). At this presentation, you'll learn how to spot the signs and know exactly what you're dealing with.
5pm
Dinner and End of Day
We will be serving your choice of:
Mushroom ravioli
Marinated steaks and potatoes
or
Harry's Fish Fry
There will be an open bar
(let's not kid ourselves, you'll need it)
Special performance of "Twilight, What Have You Done to My Wife?" by Shallow Day
at 6pm**
--------------------------------------------------
June 6, 2010
8am
Breakfast
Continental breakfast including Isle Esme eggs and Emily's muffins.
9am
Speaking Twitarded
Has your significant other's vocabulary expanded exponentially since she discovered others like her online? Learn what a "twatwaffle" is, and why she has begun using "OME" instead of "OMG." Speak her language and you might find she's been trying to tell you important things.
10:30am
Things You Can Do (While She's Twilighting)
Remember how she used to hassle you about watching SportsCenter? If she's online talking to other Twi-addicts, she probably won't notice if you turn it on. Find out what other things you were long ago nagged out of doing that you might be able to get away with now that she's got an all-consuming teen romance fixation. (Note: not all of your bachelor habits will be salvageable - we'll help you determine which ones you can resurrect.)*
12pm
Lunch
Spaghetti or Fried Chicken
1pm
Thoughtful Things to Point Out in Public
Learn what you can point out while out and about that will make your Twitard squeal with joy. We will provide you with a wallet-sized laminated card for you to carry with suggestions like "Anything with the name CULLEN on it," "wolves," and "lion or lamb references." Earn brownie points with your romantic partner by supporting her obsession in public (subtly).*
2pm
How Fan Fiction Can Benefit You
Do you have any idea what she's reading when she has herself holed up in the bathroom with her laptop? These stories would make you blush. We will offer detailed descriptions, as well as excerpts from the most popular stories, and we encourage you to try and surprise your Twitard by acting these out with her when you get home.
4pm
Closing Ceremonies
A chance for you to say farewell and "Be Safe" to all your new friends and fellow Twi-widowers. Snacks provided.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Symposium Information
Registration Fee: $107
(after expenses, registration fees will be provided as subsidized funding for financially deterred would-be FFFOOORRRKKKSSS pilgrimage travelers in late September/early October)
Location: Hyatt Valencia**
Registration must be received by May 13, 2010. Space is limited, so sign up now!
* results not guaranteed ** not really
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June 5-6, 2010
Valencia, CA
Are You a Twilight Widower?
Is your wife or girlfriend constantly comparing you to people named Edward and/or Jacob?
Is she constantly online, chatting with other "Twitards"?
Does she have a Twilight-related blog?
If the any of the above apply to you, our seminars can help!
Come, join similarly afflicted men (women also welcome) at the world's only
Twilight Widower Symposium!
Schedule of Events
June 5, 2010
8am
Welcome and breakfast buffet
Enjoy cold cereal and pop tarts while meeting others in your situation. Share stories and mingle.
9am
Understanding Twilight
While we're sure your romantic partner has spoken endlessly on Twilight topics, this interactive forum will help you understand why she's so fascinated and what it all means. Also addressed: why do these vampires sparkle? Why does she roll her eyes when you make jokes about staking them through the heart? Who is Renesmee, and why does she piss off your wife or girlfriend so much? Learn all the answers and ask your own questions.
11am
Film Appreciation
We won't subject you to watching both films again, but this seminar will discuss parts of the movies you may enjoy. Action, adventure, and wolves are on the agenda here. We may even throw in a Rifftrax or spoof - all to help you withstand the next time you're forced to watch a saga movie. Remember, the third one will be released weeks after the symposium - don't you want to be prepared?
12:30pm
Lunch
Pizza or lasagna and spinach salad
Lemonade and Coke products available
1:30pm
Fan Fic Addict Partners Anonymous
Has your romantic partner graduated from repeated readings of the Twilight saga to constantly toting around her laptop or mobile device so she won't miss the latest update of her fan fiction stories? This is the place for you. Learn why she adds "-ward" to the ends of words and what it means. Share your tales of woe with others in your predicament.
also available at this time
Lion Lessons
Do you wish your wife or girlfriend would stop sighing whenever you "don't behave like Edward"? Find out what easy things you can do to make that stop.* Examples will be taken directly from the books after consultation with the Twitarded Council to help you make the right choices (examples: opening her car door = good choice, stalking her when she visits friends = bad choice).
3pm
Know Your Twitards
Is she openly Twitarded? Closeted? Partially out? Learn how to tell what kind of Twitard you're with. She could be Team Edward or Team Jacob, or obsessed with Robert Pattinson or Jackson Rathbone (or even Taylor Lautner). At this presentation, you'll learn how to spot the signs and know exactly what you're dealing with.
5pm
Dinner and End of Day
We will be serving your choice of:
Mushroom ravioli
Marinated steaks and potatoes
or
Harry's Fish Fry
There will be an open bar
(let's not kid ourselves, you'll need it)
Special performance of "Twilight, What Have You Done to My Wife?" by Shallow Day
at 6pm**
--------------------------------------------------
June 6, 2010
8am
Breakfast
Continental breakfast including Isle Esme eggs and Emily's muffins.
9am
Speaking Twitarded
Has your significant other's vocabulary expanded exponentially since she discovered others like her online? Learn what a "twatwaffle" is, and why she has begun using "OME" instead of "OMG." Speak her language and you might find she's been trying to tell you important things.
10:30am
Things You Can Do (While She's Twilighting)
Remember how she used to hassle you about watching SportsCenter? If she's online talking to other Twi-addicts, she probably won't notice if you turn it on. Find out what other things you were long ago nagged out of doing that you might be able to get away with now that she's got an all-consuming teen romance fixation. (Note: not all of your bachelor habits will be salvageable - we'll help you determine which ones you can resurrect.)*
12pm
Lunch
Spaghetti or Fried Chicken
1pm
Thoughtful Things to Point Out in Public
Learn what you can point out while out and about that will make your Twitard squeal with joy. We will provide you with a wallet-sized laminated card for you to carry with suggestions like "Anything with the name CULLEN on it," "wolves," and "lion or lamb references." Earn brownie points with your romantic partner by supporting her obsession in public (subtly).*
2pm
How Fan Fiction Can Benefit You
Do you have any idea what she's reading when she has herself holed up in the bathroom with her laptop? These stories would make you blush. We will offer detailed descriptions, as well as excerpts from the most popular stories, and we encourage you to try and surprise your Twitard by acting these out with her when you get home.
4pm
Closing Ceremonies
A chance for you to say farewell and "Be Safe" to all your new friends and fellow Twi-widowers. Snacks provided.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Symposium Information
Registration Fee: $107
(after expenses, registration fees will be provided as subsidized funding for financially deterred would-be FFFOOORRRKKKSSS pilgrimage travelers in late September/early October)
Location: Hyatt Valencia**
Registration must be received by May 13, 2010. Space is limited, so sign up now!
* results not guaranteed ** not really
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you think? Want to register your s.o.? Care to teach/lead one of the seminars or discussions? Have ideas for other seminars?
This is a new kind of post for me, so tell me what you think in the comments... ;) Happy weekending!
Posts
12 comments:
Very clever, MB!! Especially love Fan Fic Addict Partners Anonymous (Learn why she adds "-ward" to the end of words and what it means.) and Speaking Twitarded. LMAO! I also like that the registration fee is $107 (I spy 17) ;)
Lisa
LMAO!! I am glad you had the word spoofs at the top - I really wasn't sure if this was real or not! LOL
Excellent post. I sent it to my hubby with the title "Seminar for you?" LOL
LMAO!
@Lisa - that was just for you. *wink* I knew you'd catch it. I figured $17 was too little!!
@DD - I guess this should have been my April Fool's Day post, but I hadn't thought of it yet! Oh well...
Glad you liked it!
I absolutely love it. This is great.
My guy doesn't need to attend because he openly admitts that he likes Twilight. That really baffles the girls he works with.
MB this post is fucking epic!!! Kudos!! Color me extremely impressed. Can I teach some classes?
Seriously. It's like you're inside my head. I've been thinking about this for awhile. I totally think there should be classes of this nature. Really. Once I embraced it, and E found a little balance and gave me more attention, our marriage has never been better.
I have also thought that there should be some sort of fund for those who can't make it to FFFFFOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSSSSSSS!!!!! soley based on economics. (*cough* *cough* eastern hemisphere *cough*)
So whether you meant this as a spoof or not, it is the very thing I would genuinely love to see become a reality. And methinks not a few ladies would also like to see it become reality as well? Hey, when I dream, I dream big. (that's what she said)
Well done!!!!!! :)
Damnit!!! Mr.Pantz fucking beat me???
Fucker.
I loved you before this post, but now I wanna hold you down and hug you so hard your eyes pop out!!!
*runs full speed at MB...tackles to the ground*
This post is goddamn brilliant.
Muah!
xoxo
E
Aww *blush* thanks, guys!
OME MB! This is the funniest sh*t! This post was da bomb jiggy, jiggy! I thought this was something real at first! I cannot wait to show this to Mr AnTwi-Pattz! I'm dying. He will love this. We always joke about the support group meetings he goes to and saving seats for other guys when I talk to the wives about Twilight.
"the open bar (you will most certainly need it!)" ROFL!!!
And yeah hubby does have more SportsCenter time without any hassle from me!
breakfast-cold cereal and pop tarts (I can hear my husband now, just like at home because the wife doesn't cook any more!)
toodles, HELL YEAH I loved this oodles!
@TT - those breakfast choices are Bella inspired. ;) But, yeah, I don't make it so much, either!! Thanks for the support - glad you liked it!!
I can now reveal that this post was inspired by supportive hubbies like TH and Mr Pantz (and Twitarded Mom's guy, apparently) - I thought it would be nice if some of the, er, less-supportive guys could get a little help.
Oh, and Mr Pantz - I *am* inside your head. Bwahahaha - it's hard to type and work these controls at the same time...
@sEp - something's coming, I don't know what it is, but it is gonna be greeeeaaattt...
You see, I knew I felt something rattling around in there. Didn't know it was you. :)
And hey, I'm all for helping the less supportive hubs learn how to see the light. So how about a deal, ladies? I'll work on that project if y'all can work on how to make that Twilight for Boys into a reality. Any takers? ;)
Just let me say it one more time. FANTASTIC POST!!!!!!
LMFAO MB I don't have a hubby to twi-train - maybe there could be some sessions for twi kids and twi RL peeps who just don't get the twi thing (that would be pretty much everyone I know??? or are they just closetwis hmmm)
Twikids
- learn never EVER to walk up behind your twimum when she is on the laptop - danger of seeing Robporn, pervpacks meat locker photos, lemony fics that someone else writes or worse lemony fics that your mum is writing (yep, that was an interesting discussion!)
- never ever tell you mum that she is too old for drooling over Rob/Edward/Jasper/Jackson pics - it is her younger self trapped in her body doing the drooling!
- teach your technotard twimum what the meanings of LMAO, BBL, ROFL etc mean when she sees them on twitter
- learn to enjoy takeout, not having to clean your room, wearing whatever you can find on the floor in your cupboard -oh right I have teenage boys they are all over this..
For RL Friends of twitards:
- never tell a twitard that Twilight is for teenage girls
- never give a twitard strange looks when she mutters that she might write fanfic, you know, based on twilight, for free, and then ask why they aren't writing for real and getting paid for it....what!
Just a few thoughts from a lone twitard a long long way from every other twitard I know! (cue violin)
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